When I Feel Like I'm Drowning...


     Some days I wake up ready to tackle the day. Mind you, I am no morning person. So I rarely spring out of bed with sunshine, rainbows, and flowers. But I am capable of getting up and handling business like a boss on a regular basis. 

     However, some days I wake up already behind and feel like I am drowning. At these times even the smallest tasks feel like huge waves crashing down on me, pressing into me as I choke and gasp and struggle just to tread water, never getting anywhere. Some examples: I've Had It, A Dose of The Dailies, Leaving The House, Dishes For Days, Mommy of Sick Ones, What Did I Do Today.

     It isn't as though my life is particularly difficult or wraught with trials. It's just that sometimes I feel physically and mentally unable to cope with the string of ordinary events that take place throughout my day.

     My brain seems unable to stop fixating on every task. I feel bombarded by everyone and everything at the same time. I get overloaded and it all feels insurmountable. I cannot for the life of me just take one step at a time because I feel too overwhelmed by the sum of everything, the kids, the house, the errands, the school lessons, the cooking, the cleaning, etc. These times make me question whether I am doing anything right.

     I have no magical cure for this. I only know that being told to calm down makes me furious.

    What does seem to assuage this feeling of drowning is talking to someone who listens to me without trying to "fix" everything. I don't need a "fixer". I just need to vent enough to let go of the weight I feel. I need someone to hear me babble incomprehensibly. To bear witness to the chaos of my day so that I do not have to be the only keeper of the tale. I need someone else to know what I am exeriencing so that I don't feel alone and crazy.

     I do not want a different life even if I occasionally complain about some of the components of my current life. I chose the life I have because it is indeed what I want and what I feel God intends for me. It's a BEAUTIFUL life (The Good Stuff, Laughter Is The Best Medicine, "Just" A Homemaker, Where Life Happens). I know that I have been immeasurably blessed in it. But I am discovering that it's okay if I don't happen to find every single moment beautiful. And that even if I am not experiencing a particularly lovely moment, one will eventually come along again. I will notice it and be amazed. And despite how I feel, I can hang on long enough to get there. 

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